And I curse at the
Dark harsh sky as it shows me
It cares for me not

S.D.C 8-26-22

Walking with my head down,

I am not prepared to look up,

And meet your eyes.

I am astonished.

You are not supposed to be here.

I’ve missed you,

I’ve moved past you, too.

So why does this sighting

Rock me to my toes?

You look the same.

I want to hug you,

But in no way would that be proper.

As I move past you,

To catch up with my crowd,

You say something to me.

How I used to long for that.

I mumble something quickly,

I have to catch up,

But I don’t want to leave you.

Then the door between us

Closes.

Once again, you’re gone.

Once again, I’m wistful.

s.d.c. date unknown

Author’s note: This was written around the time I was 17- 18 I think.

At times, self loathing consumes me.

I feel so inadequate,

So slow and dumb.

I liken myself to a blithering fool

Who keeps trying,

Failing each and every time.

I want to reprogram my innermost self,

To create a new me.

One I am happy to be,

One who is sure of herself.

Because she knows.

Knows what?

If I knew that, I wouldn’t have written

This poem.

S.C.    Date unknown

Pondering “Us”

Who am I to you again?

Who are you to me?

What brought us to this place

Of such silent misery?

At what point was this ok?

When did we agree

To dwell here together

Yet exist so separately?

Was there ever a choice made

That this is how we’d be?

Or have we just accepted

This hostility?

How could we have gone through years

Chained with no key?

And how do we continue on

With this farce known as “we?”

S.D.C.   05-13-09 started 07-05-09 finished

I am massively irritated at my weight-loss blog right now. It has been flooded with spam (fail) and I can’t delete it all. Every time I try, it just freezes the page and crashes. It has been a half hour and I might scream. I haven’t written there in almost two weeks and I can’t even begin to concentrate on a new post there while they scream out to me, “We are growing by the second, choking the life out of your inbox!” I am so beyond pissed by this. I will prevail, but needed to vent about it here, on my Tumblr, which loves me no matter what. I heart you Tumblr, sorry I’ve been silent for so long. I’ll do better with pics and poems. BLOG.COM WILL NOT WIN!!! GRRRR *determined face*

I feel so empty

I have no more words-

Nothing to say.

The feelings dry up so quickly

I have no desire anymore

To capture my thoughts.

They fall flat-

Uninteresting, unfulfilling.

I still try, still struggle-

I want to set words free-

To watch them take shape-

To become bigger-

To release what’s in my heart-

And feel freer for it.

I can’t though.

I put pen to paper-

And it fizzles out.

I start, and never finish.

A mental lethargy

Has come over me.

I’m too tired-

There is no fire-

No yearning to share.

I look inside

And I just feel so empty.

S.D.C.             1-1-2010

With You

When I’m with you

I forget who I’m

Supposed to be.

I forget

To be strong

For everyone.

I forget

To demand

Perfection of myself.

When I’m with you

I remember

How to smile.

I remember

How to be loved.

I kinda like myself

When I’m with you.

S.D.C.   12-05-04

I had a talk with my dad today. We talked for a while and it was really really nice. We hardly ever talk, he’s very busy and I am on the phone all day, so I hate to use it once I’m home. I’d been wondering how he was and even sent a letter a couple of weeks ago, with no response. I was starting to worry. I spoke with him last week, but he was at a family party and I had just called to say hi to the whole family. Today’s conversation was nice cause we just chatted, no huge emotional talk, just general how are you? How are the Yankees doing? How’s the step mom? How’s your job? We had a nice time. I love him and am so happy he’s in my life now. We both promised to communicate once a week at least from now on. We both suck at staying in touch! So, every Sunday, one or the other will call the other. Even if it’s just to say hi, I’m gonna like that a lot.

Tonight

I feel like shit tonight,

All the old feelings are back,

The nerves, the anxiety-

With no idea why.

It just hit me tonight,

I have no idea

Where it came from.

I want to cry tonight,

I feel like curling up,

Screaming and sobbing-

Just purging this mood.

There is a small child

In my head tonight,

She’s scared and upset.

How can I tell her-

It will be ok

How can I comfort her-

When I just feel like shit tonight?

S.D.C.   04-27-04