Walking with my head down,

I am not prepared to look up,

And meet your eyes.

I am astonished.

You are not supposed to be here.

I’ve missed you,

I’ve moved past you, too.

So why does this sighting

Rock me to my toes?

You look the same.

I want to hug you,

But in no way would that be proper.

As I move past you,

To catch up with my crowd,

You say something to me.

How I used to long for that.

I mumble something quickly,

I have to catch up,

But I don’t want to leave you.

Then the door between us

Closes.

Once again, you’re gone.

Once again, I’m wistful.

s.d.c. date unknown

Author’s note: This was written around the time I was 17- 18 I think.

At times, self loathing consumes me.

I feel so inadequate,

So slow and dumb.

I liken myself to a blithering fool

Who keeps trying,

Failing each and every time.

I want to reprogram my innermost self,

To create a new me.

One I am happy to be,

One who is sure of herself.

Because she knows.

Knows what?

If I knew that, I wouldn’t have written

This poem.

S.C.    Date unknown

Pondering “Us”

Who am I to you again?

Who are you to me?

What brought us to this place

Of such silent misery?

At what point was this ok?

When did we agree

To dwell here together

Yet exist so separately?

Was there ever a choice made

That this is how we’d be?

Or have we just accepted

This hostility?

How could we have gone through years

Chained with no key?

And how do we continue on

With this farce known as “we?”

S.D.C.   05-13-09 started 07-05-09 finished

Sitting on the cold stone steps

I thought of you

It brought me to tears

How you are now

Because I can remember

How you were

Our bond unbroken

But untouched in so long

Thinking of what

Brought me to our

Special hideaway

I weep harder, bitter tears

I face the very real possibility

Of never knowing

How it all turns out.

S.C.    Date unknown.

* a poem I wrote to recognize the death of a friendship.

I feel so empty

I have no more words-

Nothing to say.

The feelings dry up so quickly

I have no desire anymore

To capture my thoughts.

They fall flat-

Uninteresting, unfulfilling.

I still try, still struggle-

I want to set words free-

To watch them take shape-

To become bigger-

To release what’s in my heart-

And feel freer for it.

I can’t though.

I put pen to paper-

And it fizzles out.

I start, and never finish.

A mental lethargy

Has come over me.

I’m too tired-

There is no fire-

No yearning to share.

I look inside

And I just feel so empty.

S.D.C.             1-1-2010

With You

When I’m with you

I forget who I’m

Supposed to be.

I forget

To be strong

For everyone.

I forget

To demand

Perfection of myself.

When I’m with you

I remember

How to smile.

I remember

How to be loved.

I kinda like myself

When I’m with you.

S.D.C.   12-05-04

Tonight

I feel like shit tonight,

All the old feelings are back,

The nerves, the anxiety-

With no idea why.

It just hit me tonight,

I have no idea

Where it came from.

I want to cry tonight,

I feel like curling up,

Screaming and sobbing-

Just purging this mood.

There is a small child

In my head tonight,

She’s scared and upset.

How can I tell her-

It will be ok

How can I comfort her-

When I just feel like shit tonight?

S.D.C.   04-27-04

Photographer

To freeze an image

No, better-

To create an image

To mold my vision

Into an image

To choose the moment

That will last forever

That is what draws me

That is what I find

So compelling.

S.D.C.  2004

A Simple Question

“Do you want some salad?”

You asked me when I got home.

I turned toward you to answer

And I caught sight

Of your hands,

Chopping carrots.

They mesmerized me.

So strong and sure

With the knife.

One cutting,

The other guiding

Vegetables to the slaughter.

I could see the muscles and bones

Working together under your

Work-roughened and guitar-calloused skin.

I’d never really seen them before.

I realized then

That they are the most

Perfect hands

I’d ever seen.

They were so powerful,

Yet I knew they were so gentle.

They allow you to do magnificent things

To your guitar

And in the next instant

Cradle my head on your shoulder.

In that instant,

Your hands were the most

Beautiful things I’d ever seen.

I looked up into your

Curious eyes

And said,

“I’d love some.”

S.D.C.  12-03-04

Your Smile

Watching you smile,

How many times have I already?

The lines of your face change-

Smooth, then wrinkled,

Then deep lines

Come to greet my feasting eyes.

Your mouth curves,

Sometimes slowly,

Already readily.

Eyes, your eyes,

Come alive.

Drawing light into my heart.

I stop everything,

And just look.

Mesmerized by your smile. :)

s.d.c. {date unknown}

Twilight

The pre-morning hours

Are mine

When the birds are

Just starting to twitter

The black sky has

Lightened to royal blue

I love the calm and solitude

This will always be

My time.

S.D.C.   Date unknown

My words for you

Take the words from my mouth

Make them useful

Turn them into something you want to hear

If I keep them -

They shall go to waste

Quivering at the edge of my lips

Before losing all courage

And retreating back into my depths

So take them -

Weave them into a tale

Told just for of you

Use them to describe

Your dreams and wishes

Let them delight your ears

As they whisper your hopes

And give flight to your imagination.

S.  D.  C.  01/2007